Reconnection Gestures
It is important to use the these gestures when things are difficult, and this is the bit that can feel counter intuitive because it is not unusual to think that they ‘don’t deserve it’ or ‘need a consequence’.
What can be helpful to keep in mind is that the consequence your young person is already facing is feeling bad about themselves. That is exactly why we need to show them that they are worthy of being cared for no matter what. For the young person, these gestures are not a reward they are spontaneous and importantly they are not something they have to ‘work for’ - we are just simply telling them that we love them, whatever. In this way we are using these moments to highlight to our young people that they are cared for unconditionally.
If the young person has been struggling for a while you may find that they reject these gestures to start with because they don’t feel they deserve them, and they can’t cope with being cared about. This is why it is so important to keep going and keeping being consistent. It might not be an overnight ‘fix’.
In fact things can become worse before it gets better (an extinction burst). If the relationship has become really difficult we may go through stages and these may feel difficult. For example we may swing between no connection, to some connection with attitude to connection with better attitude as they young person starts to open and reconnect with themselves and you. It is important to remain silent at the stage of connection with attitude to make sure whatever small seeds you have planted don’t become undone. Later at a neutral time, a short subtle connecting comment with no criticism may be offered about the feelings which may be underlying the attitude.
Keep the gestures small and regular - it is not expensive or occasional. Notes, text messages, a smile, a hug, organising their favourite meal, hot chocolate set outside their bedroom door, curling up on the sofa to play their favourite computer game or watch TV together. If your young person has started to feel low about themselves, then smaller gestures are much easier to accept and this is closer to what they need.
If you give these gestures a try, they can reconnect you as a parent with positive feelings about yourself as well as your young person. You may begin to realise how much you value them and this can help you with difficult feelings you may have been having about the disconnection you have felt as your young person is trying to navigate their way through this difficult period of their life. You may see a subtle change in your outlook, even if sometimes it is in a two steps forward/one step back kind of way.
It takes time for these small and sometimes subtle gestures to help strengthen the relationship between your young person and those who care for them.
You could also try practicing these gestures with your partner or someone close to you and notice what happens. And when young people see their adults working together it can really affect them.
